Wednesday, March 03, 2004

I Can't Say I'm Lovin' It...

And so, the end of an era draws to a close... Forget about the troubles in the Middle East, never mind that John Kerry won 9 out of 10 states on Super Tuesday, and let someone else worry about the evidence of water on Mars... Instead, turn your sights to the real News of the Day, what will surely be The Headline Heard 'Round The World: "McDonald's To Phase Out Super Size".

I awoke in the early hours of the morning to the usual traffic reports and weather forecasts that urge me from my peaceful slumber everyday, only to find myself sitting bolt upright in my bed as I heard the terrible news. McDonald's will no longer be offering the Super Size option with their Combo Meals. My first reaction was one of utter amazement. "This can't possibly be true!", I thought to myself (which, by the way, is a fairly coherent thought for me to have before my first coffee of the day). Perhaps I hadn't heard the whole story and they were talking about the latest headline from The National Enquirer... Or, maybe, in my caffeine-deprived state, I had experienced the equivalent of an auditory hallucination.

As I showered, incredibly overpriced shampoo dripping into and stinging my eyes (no sacrifice too great in the defense of the hairline), I paused... "Would they really kill the Super Size?" I wondered. "Nah... That's crazy!" Then, putting the worry out of my mind, I proceeded into the all important rinse and repeat. You know, just once I'd like to defy that little Cosmetic Commandment... But I'm afraid that the Almighty Creator of Good Hair would smite the remaining locks from head, leaving me to seek whatever solace I can find in fast cars, gaudy jewelry, and cheesy pick-up lines.

From that point on, my morning ablutions went as usual... Ablutions. Fancy word, eh? It's real... Look it up. I had to... Anyway, with a quick sniff, I determined which pile of wrinkled laundry was the clean one and got dressed. Then with a quick shave (why doesn't Male Pattern Baldness ever strike there?) and a smearing of deodorant, I was on to the brushing of the teeth... At which point I paused once again, this time to admire how the lathered toothpaste made me look like a well-groom rabid psychopath. Perhaps I should mention that to my imaginary shrink...

All was well until about 6 minutes into my ride to work. Once again, morning radio did it's little Traffic and Weather Square Dance, then moved on to the 10 second blurbs that are the only kind of news the freshly-awakened human mind is able to comprehend. And there it was again. This time it was presented by some goofy DJ that probably should have gone to bed early instead of staying up late to write his "jokes", but the message was the same... McDonald's is getting rid of their Super Size. Well, there was no denying the reality of it then. For years, that smiling clown with the funky red hair has been giving us the most amazing deals on what must be narcotically-enhanced fries (how else to explain their obsessively addictive goodness?), but the free ride is over. Sure, the size of the pop (soda, if you're one of our southern neighbors) is going to shrink, too, but I don't think I'm going to miss those last 10 or 12 swallows of warm Coke, diluted to the color of herbal tea as much as I'll miss those salty little sticks of heaven.

Well, at least they aren't getting rid of the fries completely, but I think our society is in for a shake-up. Fights over The Last Fry will become more intense, the time-honored ritual of "stealing" a handful of fries from a friend, no questions asked, will come to an end and, more importantly, we're going to have to get used to hearing the words, "Would you like even more fries with that?"
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