And Now, A Word From Somebody Else's Sponsor...

I don't normally plug new products, but this time I couldn't resist.

Have you seen the "Tide To Go" commercial where the woman is about to take the podium at a huge lecture when, just offstage, she spills something on her blouse? Well, she whips out this little orange pen and scribbles on the stain. In seconds, the stain is gone and all she has to do is quickly fan the spot dry. With not a moment to spare, she is introduced and walks out, full of confidence in her appearance.

Wow. Amazing.

In the last 15 years or so, we've been practically inundated with OxyClean and Didi-7 ads, so I didn't give this one much notice, to tell you the truth. However, earlier this evening, I had the perfect opportunity to put that little orange pen to work.

As background to this testimonial, I need to tell you a little about my girlfriend first. You see, she has a bit of a spilling problem, so to speak. I can't even begin to count the number of times we've been out at a restaurant when she has looked down at her blouse and cursed. Not that she can be held accountable, mind you... You see, there are factors that conspire against her.

For starters, she has what you might call a well-developed chest. You know, she's got copious cleavage. The girl has quite a large rack. Do I have to spell it out? Her breasts are big.

Where was I? Oh yeah...

Basically, falling food has little or no chance of ever hitting her plate with those, er, assets running interference on the way down. And when you consider that she's usually quite mesmerized by whatever incredibly clever or witty thing I'm saying, it's not hard to see how morsels manage to escape her fork. Put it all together, and there you have 'em... Stains.

So, we were out tonight at a local restaurant... Nothing fancy, just your typical family place. We were both dressed quite casual, but her shirt was white, so a little "spillage" was inevitable. Actually, we made it through the majority of the meal without a mishap but, as she brought the fork up for her second last mouthful of creamy mashed potatoes, a sizeable dollop of rich roast gravy tore away and descended to the target area.

Of course, it was right about this time that the waitress came by to clean away our dishes, so my girlfriend was pinned in the booth, practically cowering behind the napkin clutched to her chest. She couldn't exactly make an inconspicuous dash to the bathroom with a dark brown blob on her ever-so-white shirt and someone standing over her. So...

Cuppojoe to the rescue!

I quickly excused myself from the table, made my way out the door, and went to the drug store next door. It took me 2 seconds to find what I was looking for: Tide To Go. Unfortunately, it took the cashier 5 minutes to do a return for the customer in front of me, and another 3 minutes to verify the $50 bill I handed her wasn't counterfeit. By the time I was finished, my girlfriend had somehow managed to pay for dinner (ain't she the greatest?) and get to the van. No matter. Even with the crisis over, I was still going to find out how well this stuffs worked.

I may have been dubious about Tide's claims but, a few dabs from the pen, a little rubbing, and... Bam! The stain was gone! It was unbelievable! Okay, so the spot didn't dry as fast as they show on TV, but so what? A wet spot on your shirt for a few minutes sure beats a big old stain that everyone will notice!

I'm sold. That little orange pen is absolutely brilliant. But don't just take my word for it, go out and get one. At the very least, you know it works on gravy. In fact, there's a fair-sized list on the package that outlines a whole range of stains the pen is good with. The only exceptions I noticed were blood and grease.

I guess all you mechanics and axe-murderers should probably just disregard this whole blog, then.