Saturday, March 25, 2006

Analyze This: The Good, The Bad, and The Glowing Blue Goo

It's been a little while since I've given you all a glimpse at what caffeine can do to a sleeping brain, so let's see if you can wrap your heads around this one...

Ready? Here we go...

It started off with my boss handing me what can only be called a ridiculously small kayak with a paddle about the size of two wooden spoons strapped together. Looking around, I noticed the aqueduct we were in was full of "boaters"... I say that in quotes because I'm not sure I saw an actual "boat" among them. Lots of inner tubes, inflatable mattresses, and even a few bathtubs, but no boats. Slipping off the concrete wall and into my kayak, I quickly made my way to the head of the pack.

Little did I realize, this meant being the first person to paddle his way into my great-aunt's living room.

I negotiated the turns around the ottoman and coffee tables without too much trouble, and even made it so far as the guest bathroom on the main floor before I was stumped by an insurmountable obstacle... The stairs. Fortunately, that seemed to be the end of the race, since my little kayak had mysteriously disappeared.

Up the stairs I went.

Now, maybe my memory of my great-aunt's house is a little sketchy, but I'm pretty sure she didn't have a shopping mall upstairs. Still, there it was... A two-level, gallery-style mall that looked nothing like any mall I'd ever been in. It was full of garish colors, sunlight streamed in through the glass skylights, the stores were tiny little shops all packed together, and the place was crowded. I imagine it's the kind of thing one might see in Japan...

Looking around, I spotted someone I know, but haven't seen in many years. He was standing on the second level, right at the railing, holding what looked like a Nerf gun or Super Soaker, and smiling down at me. In the next instant, he raised the gun and fired, just missing me but leaving a glowing blue puddle of goo not far from where I stood.

The chase was on.

For how long I dodged and weaved through the crowd in the mall trying to avoid being shot by the mysterious blue goo, I don't know. I always managed to stay a step ahead of my attacker, but every time I looked back he was right there, relentlessly pursuing me like something out of a Terminator movie. A couple of times I saw him stop long enough to fire a shot into the ground where he stood, almost like we has marking his path. Who needs a Mall Directory when you've got a gun that makes puddles of glowing blue, goo, eh?

I took a turn down a hallway devoid of shops and found myself facing two doors. One was marked "Gas Meter Room" and the other "Boiler Room". Having been a Building Operator at one time, and knowing my way around these types of rooms, I was momentarily encouraged that I had finally gained the upper hand. Until, that is, I remembered I hadn't ever been a Building Operator in this mall and likely didn't have a key to either of those doors. So, I turned to leave the hallway and find a new route, but there he was.

Still smiling, he approached. I had nowhere to go and nothing to defend myself with. I was defeated. He raised the gun a final time and held the barrel about an inch from my chest.

The next thing I saw was my own arm flailing out and knocking the gun out of line with my body. "Interesting," I thought, since it hadn't occurred to me to try a move so daring. Even as I thought this, my other hand shot out and twisted the gun from my attacker's grip. I spun around, aimed, and fired.

A glowing blue spot seemed to blossom on his chest. With the same empty smile still tattooed on his face, he began to fall backwards.

And I woke up.

All right, kids, have at it... There's got to be plenty of imagery in that one for you to dissect. Don't hold back... let me have it!
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