Thursday, February 12, 2004

Caught Between a Rose and a Hard Place

Well, boys, that time of year is upon us once again... That's right, now that we've finally recovered (mentally and financially) from the ordeal of finding those "perfect" Christmas gifts for our beloved women, we are once more faced with a holiday that could very easily set the tempos of our relationships for the rest of the year... Valentine's Day is here.

Since the day after Boxing Week, we've seen the hearts and cupids hanging in the Hallmark card stores, reminding us that our time to brush up on the fine art of romance is running short. We've had our year of scratching ourselves in public, passing gas under the sheets, and laughing at the Naked Gun movies... Now, it's time to remind our ladies just why they chose us over all others and (hopefully) erase from their minds the image of us dancing at last year's company Christmas party.

I truly wanted this blog to be one of hope for us, guys. I wanted to give tips on picking the perfect gift, something that would make any woman's heart melt. And I wanted to teach a few little romantic gestures that never fail to take a woman back to that first moment when she looked at you and knew you were "the one". I wanted this to be the year that we prove we really can be everything the diamond commercials have taught them we are... But let's face it, who am I kidding?

I'm just like the rest of you. When it comes to Valentine's Day, I might as well be a deer in the headlights (except, for the deer, the end is a lot quicker and less messy). I know my special lady has been waiting in breathless anticipation for the past month to see just how sweet, thoughtful, and romantic I'm going to be. What I don't necessarily know, is how to be all those things... I'm a guy, for crying out loud! My idea of thoughtful is showing her how to jiggle the handle on the toilet to stop it from running all night. And my experience with "romance" pretty much consists of those 5 minutes before love-making when I stroke her arm, cross one leg over hers and, with a raise of my eyebrows, say, "So... uh... You wanna?"

I do not, however, think that giving her flowers is particularly thoughtful or romantic. How much thought does it take to walk into a florist, throw down 50 bucks, and ask for a dozen roses? None, that's how much. And you know why? Because if guys pondered the idea for even 2 seconds, they'd kick their own asses for dropping that much cash on something that is going to sit in a jar for 3 days before dying and, ultimately, being tossed stems-up into the garbage can. A bloody 2 dollar goldfish has better chances and more economic appeal than that! But, I digress...

In the end, guys, we're going to do what we always do... We're going to put off doing anything about Valentine's Day until the actual day arrives. Then, we're going to scramble around to find something, anything, that might pass as a gift. And we're going to call every nice restaurant in town, only to find out that nothing is available thanks to all the pansy-ass, whipped guys who thought to make reservations in advance. Which will, inevitably, lead to us proclaiming that it is far more romantic to make supper for our women and serve it by candlelight. Unfortunately, considering our culinary skills, this will consist of spaghetti with sauce from a jar, Baby Duck wine, and one of those fat red candles with the fake holly berries left over from the Christmas decorations. Some things will never change...

But wait! I wanted to leave you all with a little bit of hope... A friend of mine by the name of Clint Vander Klok (perhaps you've heard of him...?) has stumbled across a way for our women to repay us for the trials and tribulations we endure at this time of year and bring a long-awaited balance to the universe. If you'd like to find out what this brilliant answer to all men's prayers is, just surf on over to I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
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